Josi (O-Josi-O) (eris_devotee) wrote,
Josi (O-Josi-O)

I haven't written here in a long time.

So long, that this is almost like a secret place again.

I want to say to her so many things. But love catches our voices, doesn't it?

I want to say - but you weren't there for me. You abandoned me, right when I needed you like you need me right now. You turned your back. And that other friend you decided was a better option - well, we both know why she's not there for you, and I am.

It's not that I do not want to help you. I want to save you.

But I lost everything when I needed saving, because I sunk. My whole world crashed at once, and I'm a really good swimmer but I still ended up washed up on the beach, face in the sand.

I just needed one person, just one. So it's not just you who turned away, but you're the only one I still care about.

I want to say to you - if you had just jumped on my magic carpet none of this would've happened to either of us. I want to shake you and shake you because it's true. What was lost, for reasons that only cut and cut again... well, darlin, I did it all. I climbed up and out and did it all, without you. And you would reel with envy if you knew the whole story, the adventures, the wonders, the freaks. But it could've happened differently, and it could have been our story.

And here we are now - old. And you need me like I needed you. And I'll be there. Because I love you. I want a pure heart in this. I want to purge those remaining bits of resentment and hurt. I want to hold your hand without memory of mine being empty.

I am seeking a peace, for myself, for us. I don't want to trip you up right now, or ever. And I want you to lean as much as you need. I guess that means I have to let myself grieve for what never was, and just get over it. It hurt so much I locked it up and stuffed it down. But it found its way out. There's no way I could tell you any of this. You are too fragile right now. And there won't be a point once these moments have passed and you are in a better place.

But I wonder if it even crosses your mind, and that's the part that hurts today, the new wound. Do you even realize what I'm doing, and remembering that you didn't.
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