I need more than I have.
I keep trying to inspire myself, but that now approaches what could only be considered denial.
I am reminded of what got me here. I mean what *really* landed me where I am.
I cannot contain my rage any longer. I thought my days of burning were in my past, but it still eats me away.
Do you know that I've thought about causing a bad lupus flare just so I can qualify for rituximab? All I have to do is spend a couple of days in the sun, and then get my heart rate up way high for a few hours and I'll flop right over.
And I cannot stop obsessing about things long in the past.
It's all related. Another study came out re: thyroid disease and something they weren't even looking for popped up - women who experienced physical abuse as children are 40% more likely to develop thyroid problems.
I've always thought the stuff my parents did to me was what turned my immune system bonkers. Fear causes adrenalin and cortisol rushes, and both are responsible for immune system regulation.
But that's worse than Grave's when it comes to healing. I'm off-the-charts with Grave's, unusual, extreme. I'm sadly typical of those who went through abuse as children.
I'm having nightmares, if I sleep at all.
One pain triggers another triggers another.
I get brief moments of detached clarity and I try to use them the best that I can.
But I am empty. Spent. Can't afford hope because I can't take more disappointment.