Josi (O-Josi-O) (eris_devotee) wrote,
Josi (O-Josi-O)

I'm stunned at how much better I feel since cutting the Geodon down. WOW was it messing with my head and energy levels. What a weird medication.

I don't know what options I have left, although I am guessing there are plenty. I want a medication that causes weight gain, too. I'd rather be chubby than this skinny again (100 lbs).

But for all I know I was going through a flare, because I was having a lot of issues with eye swelling and that has resolved, too. I don't know if Geodon could make that worse.

What I do know is that if I could rely on the energy I've had for the past 3 days, and after I get my eyesight returned, I would be a capable person again. But I'm not that stupid any longer. It will last for as long as it does, and then I'll flare again.

Dammit anyway, I want to go on a biologic and get this shit under control. I'm only 42. I want a middle age that isn't riddled with health issues and an old age where I am infirm. When I look into the future and see that possibility - that's when the dark thoughts take over.

Also - I need people in my face-to-face life. I've been a recluse for almost 2 years. I'm finally in a financial position where I can have a limited social life - a cuppa cuppa and a pastry are in the budget. Most of the people I care about, though, live quite a distance. And I'm not someone who can manufacture intimacy, yet I am an over-sharer (obviously). So I tend to scare new people off. I *am* a bit of a mess and even the people who've known me for decades get worn by my trials and are always concerned for me... how do I start something with someone new?

There are a few Chicago former LJ peeps that I could reach out to, I think, but I feel SO needy and I don't want to exhaust someone.

Yet again, I wish... I wish that my family wasn't so screwed up.
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