Josi (O-Josi-O) (eris_devotee) wrote,
Josi (O-Josi-O)
eris_devotee

I realized today that a lot of my dark thoughts come from a worry about the future. And I can't really put that into perspective until I know how much of my eyesight will return, and what I'll be able to do after that point.

But even so, the long term seems scary. My disability is barely subsistence and everything keeps getting more expensive. I'm 42. Scraping by for the remainder of my life seems daunting. It's not that I currently want for anything. In fact, my budgeting skills and ability to hold off until I get a clearance item with a coupon code and free shipping means that in the immediate my needs are met.

But for how long and what happens as I enter old age?

Also, I've been obsessed with death, dying, illness, etc. I'm worried about my mom, my cats, Bob, myself, my friends, other family.

Today is better than last night, which was pretty awful. I took 1mg ativan eventually, and that helped. I'm going to experiment with taking the Geodon today. I'm supposed to take it with a meal (not just some food, but the target is 500 calories and that's way more than I eat all at once). I also take it all before bed. It gets really difficult to make sure I'm hungry enough to even eat 1/2 that many calories at 9-10pm. So today, I'll try taking it after dinner, but put off my benzos until bed time, and see if I get too tired or can't sleep later or what happens. I probably will end up off of it rather soon anyway.
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