Josi (O-Josi-O) (eris_devotee) wrote,
Josi (O-Josi-O)

I'm going to see my mom tomorrow and we're going to the National Museum of Mexican Art. I can't really see any details, but I've been there a bunch and she's never been.

I kinda just want some time to talk though. I need my mom, eh? She's been through her own stress and I hate to pile on, so I'm going to try and keep it on the easy side... but still, I...

Ok, maybe dumping here will help. I thought the dark thoughts had lifted after I found out my eye surgeries had been moved up. And then I stopped patching to stop the effect of the literal darkness. But...

distant yet persistent thoughts of self-harm haunt my edges. I can push them away, almost laugh at them, but the shape they take is scary because they're easy to accomplish. SO if I am not in some sort of balance, I worry my ability to bat those thoughts away won't be so simple. That I have a brand new therapist does not help. It's going to take 4-5 sessions just to give her the basics, so she can understand where I am at and why. And I have to talk about shit that, while I am mostly over, still drains me emotionally and physically.

The darkness comes from feeling useless and being worried that my eyesight returning won't help much. I'm not getting back into the business of crochet. The money isn't there as a pattern writer, and I don't have the time/energy to both create and market and sell completed works. I need something completely outside of self-marketing, to be honest. Self-employment was great while it lasted, but I need to find something work-from-home where someone is signing a paycheck.

And before that happens/is possible, I need something to do with my time that is productive. I am thrilled that I'll be able to clean again once I can see again, but this place is small and upkeep isn't a full-time job, even with cooking regularly.

8 weeks until muscle surgery #1. Excited. A little scared. Hopeful.
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