Josi (O-Josi-O) (eris_devotee) wrote,
Josi (O-Josi-O)

I had the realization today that no... I do not, in fact, want to be responsible for raising a child at this point in my life. That realization made the mourning feeling almost disappear. I'm sure I'll have lots of emotions over time about this, and always have a regret, but seriously...

the thought of being the go-to person for a forming human is just not in my bag of tricks any longer.

I'm so glad I am realizing this about myself. I think Bob probably feels the same way, but just doesn't realize it because he hasn't done it before. I know him, and the constant neediness of a child would stress him to the max.

I've spent the past decade trying to get healthy with one major purpose in mind - to get pregnant. Everything about the future was predicated on the idea that there would be a child to take care of. That being changed, I need to re-imagine the next few decades of my life and figure out where to go, what to do.

That will wait, though, until after I know how much of my eyesight I get back and how my new levels of fatigue even out after I can take less Geodon (when I'm weaned lower on prednisone - I'm on 30mg/day right now).

I'm skeptical of the wean-down, though... my eyes are a lot puffier again. I've been using cold compresses and they help physically but I don't know if they do anything physiologically (ie help enough with the swelling to keep my optic nerves out of danger).

I need to quit smoking... again... the prednisone crazies got me started again. I feel like such an ass. I went through the process of quitting only to start up again and need to go through that pain again. SO STUPID. What I need to do is find a not-too-expensive not-too-bad-for-me snack that I can eat when I want to smoke, and then I can gain the weight I need AND lose the monkey.
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