Embracable Aberration

I can't believe how many kids, in this day-and-age, don't get the basic facts about sex and birth control from their parents.

10 years old is not too young to start talking to kids about this stuff, girls or boys. You won't be keeping them innocent by not talking to them. The only thing not talking to them does is it allows their heads to be filled up by other people's ideas on the subject.

Don't they have a right to the benefit of your experience in this, just like in everything else you've been through? Don't girls deserve to know the signs of someone who just wants in her pants, and don't boys deserve to know about the dangers of getting involved with a desperate girl? Y'know - besides the straight scoop about STDs and birth control?

I don't mean teach them techniques (obviously), but tell them the mistakes of yours that you don't want them to repeat. They will listen to you. They will take to heart what you say. They will blush and act embarrassed and you will, too.

And likewise - treating the topic of sex with lightness and humor is a great way to help your kid grow up without hang-ups. The one thing in common amongst the happiest people I know - a great sex life.

I have a new blog: With A Side Of Awesomesauce. It won't be replacing my LJ. Instead, it's a place for me to blather on about the stuff I like.

If anyone with a paid account wanted to make an LJ RSS feed, that would be fabulous.

Well, yesterday was certainly filled with misinformation. The shooter responsible for the massacre at Fort Hood is: not dead, and was born (and educated) in the US, and had not yet been deployed overseas.

He was a clinical psychiatrist, responsible for the treatment and counseling of soldiers returning from war. He had just received word that he would, for the first time, be deployed overseas - in Afghanistan.

* * * * *

I am glad he is not dead because he is the only person who can help society learn the build-up mechanisms, and therefore learn to intervene before a massacre occurs. To be honest, I am also relieved that the trial and punishment will be handled through military courts, because it reduces the spectacle. He is guilty, no matter what led up to his acting on his rage.

* * * * *

Aside from the question of his guilt, which does not seem to be a challenge to answer in this case, there is the responsibility of the military to recognize and treat mental illness.

A military psychiatrist is someone who knows exactly what happens to the careers of the people who need that sort of help. Yet outside the military, those who treat trauma victims are HIGHLY recommended to get regular personal counseling -to aid in dealing with the side effects of depression, anxiety and anger that come from hearing about the worst aspects of the human condition as a part of their daily responsibilities.

* * * * *

PS - what sort of retarded bumblefucking assclown could think this guy was a terrorist? He had the rank of MAJOR. If he was organized in any way whatsover, or working with any other people in any sort of plot, even with just a day or two of planning - he could've done a lot more damage. A LOT more. Hundreds or thousands of dead. So I'm not buying the terrorist theory at all. He's a nutcase.

The scene: I'm walking in the drizzle after scoring some french fries because my cupboard is bare. I'm wearing cargo shorts, moccasins, a plain black t-shirt & a denim jacket with a faux fur collar that melted a little in the dryer. The rain was making my hair frizz and I was not wearing any makeup. I was carrying a fairly aged canvas bag that is a little dirty around edges even right after a washing.

Walking towards me, on the same side of the street, are 2 sorta beefy late-20s cop/Marine looking fellas. The sort of guys most likely to roll their eyes at my aging hipster self, and usually the last sort of guys to ever hit on me. The bigger of the 2 dudes looks right at me and doesn't stop... from like almost a block away. He wasn't flashing a flirtatious smile, or giving me the once over, at least that I could perceive. He was staring.

I have a few new spots that are making me self-conscious and I am all too aware of my freaky hair. As we got to the point where we were walking right past each other, he maintained his stare and turned his head to follow me. I had already determined I didn't know the guy, and this was just...

I don't know. It was just weird. So I said as he was almost past me, "Is there a reason for all the staring?!" His response was the absolute last thing I expected to hear - "Yes, because you are beautiful."

o.O

Oddly enough, I think the dude meant it, that it wasn't just a cover... I am the farthest from beautiful that I've ever been in my life. I've managed to avoid mirrors for a few months now.

I don't want reassurance about this from y'all. I'm not plagued by it. Bummed - yes. Devastated - no. Any reassurance will hit me like that guy's comment did - somewhere sorta sore.

so let's see...

on Saturday, Bob and I will have been married for 10 years. We were going to throw a bash, but I've been too run down to put together what we had in mind. We're still going to renew our vows, but it will be much like the first time around - just us and our very closest friends.

In a little over a month I will turn 39. Which is better than 38, much better than 37, but nowhere near as good as 36. Still... 39 has its own special properties that give it something 36 never had.

I seem to be feeling better than I did this morning, so I think I'm almost past the bug I caught. Except that I feel some post-nasal drip, and that seems strange because I'm not congested at all. Whatever the case, my headache went from a 7 to a 3 and I'm happy for it.

General health stuff is... why I haven't been writing non-private journal entries. I'm doing better than I was, but not nearly enough better. I'm still mostly not-so-good and it is frustrating.

To focus on the small triumphs: I went through 2 waves of hair loss and I ended up losing about 1/2 of my hair. The last wave was about 3 months ago. In one sense, it's not nearly as bad as it sounds because I started off with a ridiculous amount of hair. In another sense, it doesn't matter that I'm not actually patchy or that scalp only shows at the part - I lost half of my freaking hair. my HAIR. It was everywhere - on my pillow, on my shoulders, on the back of the chair, clogging the drain in the shower.

Losing my hair - I tried to be cool with it. But I am so not cool with it. Thankfully, it is growing back and has been for a little over 2 months. I've cut it very short, and in the back the new growth is already to the length of the stuff that did not fall out. It will take 6 more months for the rest to catch up if I stay with the same front-weighted layered bob... but I am tempted to go 2 more months and then chop it all to about 2 inches long.

Other good health stuff: I think my thyroid issues are finally balancing when it comes to the dosage of my meds. It still flares up suddenly for a day or two, and from what I understand - those episodes could be last dying gasps of "hot spots" on my thyroid.

more good stuff: Tension Magazine excites me. The Cinnamon issue is going to be really really fabulous. Which reminds me... I have sleeves to stitch!

Stuff that cheeses me off:

county hospital. Yet again, going to county has led to me being ill. I probably have the flu. It's not awful - only 100°F fever + a headache (and flimsy muscles). Bob isn't showing any signs, so I'm pretty sure I brought it home and the timing is just right for it to have been my last wait at Fantus.

being hooked on tobacco. I keep trying to quit. I will keep on trying, because if nothing else it ensures that I strive to smoke less and I am constantly aware of every time I puff. But it turns me into a raving she-devil who can't put one foot in front of the other.



stuff I love:

glass. all glass. cut glass colored glass etched glass shaped glass. crystal beads windows trinkets glass.

fresh doughnuts. the real ones from a real bakery that uses real yeast and real butter and real eggs and real cream.* one of the nearby greek bakeries takes hot doughnut holes, dips them in boiling honey/rose water, then sprinkles them with slivered almonds. They are only 50 cents each, I can't eat more than 2, and I can't think of any other way of spending $1 that could possibly make me happier.

rain. It's been the best weather in Chicago, for me at least. A mild cloudy summer followed by a cloudy wet fall. Rain makes me feel safe. Even loved.

clean floors. Bob swept and vacuumed and mopped the whole place on Saturday. It's nice to have a floor that one can get clean. My last 2 apartments did not offer so much (cracked tiles, gaps between floor boards, etc, resulted in places a mop or sponge could not reach).

*and not a bit of that icky coat-yer-mouth filling/icing/hydrogenated-nastiness (you people who can eat krispy kremes scare me. one bite and my mouth feels coated in slime.)

I feel stuck in-between visual trends, color palettes, design flourishes, layouts.

Is it just because that's where we are at again, about to see something new, and the old seems so tired but the new hasn't arrived?

I have an idea what the new will look like. a Recession palette with a Hopeful hemline.

but in the meantime I have a digital magazine to layout and it is driving me bonkers. b.o.n.k.e.r.s.

I'm obsessed with structures.

building structures

business structures

skeletons

foundations

bones

joints

pyramids are stable and withstand bad weather

circles roll with the changes

squares pack well, stack well

right angles need assistance

wide roots make for tall trees

I don't play girl games. In fact, I find them tiresome.

I blatantly flaunt the "rules".

If I am in the same room, physical or virtual, I don't go out of my way to avoid the people who make it clear they don't like me... especially if they feel that way because they consider my bluntness to be a fault.

I made a determination a long time ago that people who don't like me don't get to control my actions, so that means I will converse directly with them if they enter a conversation I am a part of. I choose to be myself in front of them, with no reference to, or acknowledgment of, their distaste.

The ones who get offended that I dared approach them because I already know they dislike me... I used to get a lot of pleasure poking at those people. These days, though, some of those people are getting in my way and that is a really stupid place to stand.

I don't care who likes me. I'm so full of myself that I think I'm doing something *right* when I have h8rs. What I do care about though, is how I get treated and how my friends get treated.

Maybe this is easier for me because I don't like most people, so in most social situations I have to deal with that personally.

My mama cat has gone missing. She pushed her way through a spot where the mesh was pulling away from the edge of the screen door, and she might've been gone for a few hours before I noticed (at feeding time).

My neighbor feeds a few feral cats, and they keep the area cleared of other animals... and I worry that is why she hasn't found her way home.

I wallpapered my area with color flyers and I've told every kid between 9 and 13 that there is a cash reward for her return.

I am sleeping next to an open door (the one with the screen that locks and meets flush with the frame), so that I can hear her if she comes home in the night.

I've known many cats in my life, and Minnie is one of six in my own household - and she is also, hands down, the smartest and fiercest cat I've ever met. She's not afraid of anyone or anything, and that's why I am worried about her.

My relationship with my cats...

I speak to them and I assume they understand me, and I assume my interpretation of their communication is accurate. And it works.

and so I know that Minnie would've come home if she could've (she's been gone 4 nights now). She is the mama to the (very grown) "kittens", and I owe her my efforts because she changed my life for the better when she decided to have her litter in my home. Three days ago I woke up certain she was gone.

The apartment I lived in for 8 years, where I found her, is about 4 blocks (1/2 mile) away. I've been over there a few times, too, because I think she would feel safe in that backyard... but she'd have to cross 18th Street to get there.

I notice her absence all day long. She used to sit between the monitor and the wall and keep me company. She kept all the other cats in line. We're all moping around, and they are huddling extra close to me at night.

Bob is heart-broken. Minnie was his cat. She loved him more than I've ever seen a cat love a human. She greeted him when he got home, and would sit near him like she was guarding him. He's the only one who could get her to behave because he's the only one she wouldn't (usually) bite.

I'm very sad.

Both pieces will be available as patterns in the Cocoa issue of Tension Magazine.



The blazer: double-breasted, open neckline, puffy-shouldered set-in sleeves. Made in Knit Picks Gloss DK, a DK weight wool/silk blend.

The skirt: flat-front A-line mini, 3-button closure at center back, "tushie pocket" shaping ( ensuring that the back hem does not ride up). Made in a DK weight cotton/wool blend.

And no, my love affair with the 80s is not over. Even this has not yet purged it from my system.

(and yeah, this pick is kinda wonky but it's the one I am posting. better pics when the issue goes live)

30 minutes of sun for a photo shoot and 8 hours later I'm flaring. I think that's a new record.

bleh. too stiff to sleep.

I crack myself up. I just had occasion to write:

"I was poking at your sister. I don't think she is a monster, I think she is an asshole."

I've gotta get to work tomorrow and stay at work for the next 15 days. So tonight I'm screwing off in a sorta last hurrah before Tension launches (OMG OMG OMG OMG).

* * * * *

An amazing thing happened a couple of nights ago as I was slipping into sleep. I found my rhythm again, I passed over but stayed aware and heard the bebop tipped my hat to scat and sat with the fat cats until the party shack shook.

that's always the root of the inspiration (mine always grow reaching upwards, perches for things with wings): song.

* * * * *

(did I mention the bitch is back)

* * * * *

I created this php code that randomly-generates front-post stitch patterns based on a few simple rules. Then I hit refresh like 100 times. Then I changed the rules. And hit refresh another 100 times. (and maybe 3 or 4 more rules changes, etc)

It, um, makes me so happy that I'm thinking of doing something that puts unnecessary pressure on me but it would be SO FREAKING COOL I don't know how to stop myself.

* * * * *

I always meet some really crazy amazing people when I go off my intardweb rails.

I know I promised some snark, and I will deliver, but there's more important stuff to be done first.

* * * * *

I feel like I've entered a new and better orbit. (passed through a shake-up, went through a restabilization)

Some things have been returned to me.

I remember: chocolate flake milkshakes, the salt-and-pepper shaker carnival ride, running to catch the bus, when scooby doo lunchboxes gave way to charlie's angels, roller skating parties, banana seats, combs in back pockets, four-square, movies at The Century, Haunted Trails, yo-yos.

* * * * *

Yesterday Mary Beth Temple tweeted, prior to my LJ post:

"Someone keep me off of Ravelry today please - my stalker is getting on my nerves and I need to rise above :-) Show last night was GREAT!"

This is yet another example of how Mary Beth Temple lies to get people to believe her point-of-view.

Prior to my disagreeing with her, on Ravelry, about her out-and-out lies regarding Knit Picks policies, I had never had any contact whatosever with Mary Beth Temple. After disagreeing with her I sent her a single PM (private message) on Ravelry, the sole contents of which was the refutation sent to me by a Knit Picks representative.

After that, she made comments on Ravelry to the effect that I had been harassing her (a comment she's since deleted, along with her disparaging and untruthful comments about Knit Picks), and I sent her another PM requesting that she not lie about her contact with me.

That is the sum total of the contact I've had with Mary Beth Temple.

Does that sound like a stalker to you?

I was given a heads up about her Tweets... so, Mary Beth, you've got a snitch on your roll call.

Crap on a cracker.

Mary Beth Temple tells out-and-out lies about Knit Picks AND her experiences with me (on Ravelry), yet I am the one making personal attacks that warrant banination by the mods of the Designers forum?!

Fine, this shit is ON. Mary Beth accused me of snarking her, when all I did was disagree and point out her lies and hypocrisy.

Fortunately, her design skills suck ass, so snarking her doesn't take much effort... and since I've already been accused...

well, I had already planned on writing an editorial (in Tension) about Knit Picks - in order to dispel the rumors that are flying around about them. And nope - they aren't paying me, and they haven't paid for Tension advertising (nor will I accept ad dollars from them for at least a year, to prove my own impartiality)... I just hate misrepresentation and lies. Now, though, I'm going to include Mary Beth's disparaging and untruthful comments, I will cite her lack of a retraction and/or apology and point out that her response to Knit Picks pointing out the truth was simply to rewrite history.

and I'm going to town on her crappy crochet.

Because seriously - anyone who supports that cuntsicle and her crappy designs isn't a customer of mine and won't like the tone of Tension anyway. I won't use Tension as a platform to snark her designs, but I will do that here.

Stay tuned, I'ma gonna pull out all the funny. Nothing pisses me off more than liars. Nothing.

Jealousy is not something I experience often. But I am SO jealous that my grammar school friends got to go to HS together. My parents were assholes for moving us to Alsip. My grammar school friends are still the best ones I've ever had.

My former classmates from my HS are pretentious, shallow and irritating. My grammar school compatriots, on the other hand, are warm, boisterous and worldly. The kids from the wrong side of the tracks have turned out to be much better people than the kids who had it much easier. The kids from the wrong side of the tracks have also led much more interesting lives, with many twists and turns and adventures, and the kids from my HS mostly seem to have followed the same basic path (just the minor details are different).

I know a lot of people, at this point in my life, who go to great lengths to afford a suburban life and education for their kids... and while the schools might offer a better curriculum, the sacrifice is sending your kids to school with privileged entitled boring brats who think the efforts of resourcefulness are beneath them.

Cousins are the best.

Y'all know who you are! (shhhh - on LJ it's a seeekrit)

PETA's new ad:



I am not interested in the direct message of this ad (especially as I know several obese vegans and vegetarians), but I am VERY interested in the reaction to it. Huffington Post had a hissy, and the reaction over at Feministing is as one might predict. It's the new feminist taboo - discussing obesity in a negative light.

* * * * *

I am a tobacco smoker (yes, still). I've cut down to 4 or 5 hand-rolled cigarettes per day, and a 3/4 ounce pouch of tobacco lasts me more than a week (and I've maintained this lower level of addiction for about a year).

Although I've quit for years-at-a-time, I started smoking daily when I was 16. I've always been a very physically active person, though, and between swimming and dancing and walking and bicycling, I always had a strong heart/good muscle tone/good lungs. It's been lupus, and not cigarettes, that changed that...

but it would be completely deceptive of me to believe or purport that smoking hasn't given lupus some advantage.

* * * * *

Smoking, in and of itself, is not an indication of poor health. The same can be said of being obese (not fat, clinically obese).

However, smoking IS, in and of itself, bad for one's health. The same can be said of being obese (not fat, clinically obese).

* * * * *

One of the biggest shockers I've had on Facebook is... well... how much bigger my former classmates have gotten.

We're only 38...! When I think back to my mom and her friends at the same age, and my older cousins and aunts at the same age - in the whole group, there is only one person I can think of who would've qualified as obese. My family is *curvy*, yet the women older than me (while they were still pre-menopausal) were physically active enough (racquetball, aerobics, etc) that they fit into Gap sizes well into their 40s.

* * * * *

I hate the term "fat acceptance". I understand it is a reaction to lookism, but...

I'm a smoker. I don't think it is "smoker hate" to say smoking makes a person stinky, or that the resulting yellow teeth are unattractive.

I don't think it is "smoker hate" when the ill health effects of smoking are shoved in my face.

And the same stuff goes into being a smoker that goes into being obese: there is a genetic predisposition to becoming addicted to nicotine, women get more easily and more completely addicted than men, there is a STRONG cultural/familial component indicated by children of smokers being much more likely to become smokers themselves.

Yet the "fat acceptance" movement gets up-in-arms about the "discrimination" of studies that show how bad being obese is for overall health (and how incredibly damaging to internal organs being obese is for children).

"Appearance acceptance" is something I could get behind, though. I think it is valuable to love yourself no matter the stage in life that you are in. I think it is self-love that leads to healthy choices, after all.

Obesity is a choice inasmuch as being a heroin addict is a choice, and there are plenty of people who come clean and stay clean. As a society, we've reached towards not demonizing the addict, but seeing the underlying problems which led to addiction. But being an addict is still undesirable.

* * * * *

And if you disagree, I want to hear from you.

What if, instead of being paid per visit and per procedure...

what if doctors who accepted medicare were paid based on results...?

on how many of their patients quit smoking

or lost weight

or lowered their cholesterol

or got their diabetes under control

or had full-term healthy babies with no cesaerean needed

...?

do ya think that would lower costs and improve the overall health of Americans?

My hair is now WAY short. So short in back I have to razor my neck hairs. It hasn't been this short for 18 years.

But I was thoroughly hating the style it was in, and the only way to change it into something I didn't hate was to go shorter. The new style will grow out better, too.

I'll post pics eventually. My face is speckled with fresh spots, so I want to wait until they clear up a little. The cut I gave myself is drastically longer in front than in the back (about 4 inches), and the top and upper-back are very layered.

I'm also growing out my own color and HOOOBOY it's coppery red. I have less grey than I thought, though - just the same streaks I've had for the past 10 years. I think I'll probably add a few bold streaks after I chop off the last of the bottle-blonde, but I don't think I'll ever do all-over lightening again - way way way too much maintenance.

I am so relieved about finally having my female issues being handled properly. I mean - I'm surprised at how relieved I am... I guess the stress of it had just been added to the overall pile and I had forgotten its details.

Normally just the thought of a procedure where they were gonna stick a camera up my cooch and fill my uterus with saline solution and then video tape the whole thing on an ultrasound...

normally just thinking about that would make me queasy, remotely angry, and feeling somewhat caged. Instead, thinking about the procedure makes me feel oddly comforted, somehow safer in my own skin - pretty much the exact opposite of normal.

Knowing that I have polyps and tufts of tissue growing where they shouldn't grow has always really really creeped me out. I mean... it makes me really disgusted by my insides, and fed up with my body, and frustrated. So being able to get such an accurate picture of what it all looks like... phew.

Mostly, though, the relief is from being taken seriously even though I don't have health insurance. Female issues are the most difficult to get financial subsidies for (unless it is cancer) - because their treatment is seen as elective if the main negative effects are either "discomfort" or infertility. "Discomfort" is up to the doctor to determine, and infertile uninsured women are actively discouraged from getting pregnant so they are left untreated until their problems effect more than their fertility.

The problems with all of that is my fertility is also tied to my overall hormonal balances. Endometrial tissue can produce hormones, and so can certain polyps. Those imbalances, if they persist over time, increase a woman's risk of cancer and heart disease. This is well-documented, yet the treatment of endometriosis, fibroid tumors and/or polyps is seen as elective until there is either a complete disruption of menstruation, significant interference with the lower bowels (my issue) or growths large and firm enough to be palpated from outside.

Even with health insurance, those are the criteria if a woman *is not* being treated for infertility... meaning the only women who are considered important enough to treat for such conditions (before they reach the above criteria) are the women who are immediately interested in procreating. Every one else... well, why bother if you aren't using those parts to make babies?

hmm... this started out as a happy post... I *am* happy that I am getting the care I need. But I am simultaneously very frustrated with the journey to this point. It's probably hysteria... ;·)

I decided to keep my gyn appointment. I'm really glad I did. I have to have a SonoHysterography and a separate abdominal ultrasound. They'll do them both in the same appointment (abdominal one first), and it's to assess endometriosis and general uterine/fallopian health.

The Sonohysterography has to be performed at a specific time in my cycle (4-8 days after menstruation ends), so I have to wait for a few weeks. I have to go back before those tests, though, because the doc I needed to see had emergency surgery and wasn't in the office. I saw a regular ob/gyn instead of the surgeon. I guess there's a chance that I might go into surgery right from the ultrasound, depending on what they find, and I have to go through pre-op instruction. Or at least I think that's what they were trying to explain to me... that part still confuses me.

I was already told by the ob/gyn I saw today that this surgery, in my case, won't be considered "elective" so it will be covered by Access (the program that subsidizes my healthcare). I'll have the usual $55 copay, and that's it for the surgeon. For the hospital part of the bill, though, I need to apply directly through them.

I feel so relieved to finally be able to take care of the endometriosis. I'm really glad to be this far down my list of health issues... and I'll be ok if they tell me more kids aren't an option. That's not the main reason I am doing this, anyway. But if it makes it easier to get pregnant, well - that would be pretty freakin awesome.

So far this year, the out-of-pocket medical expenses that I *have* paid for (not including the stuff I still owe), amounts to 22% of me-and-Bob's combined net income. If I include what I still owe, it amounts to 125% of me-and-Bob's combined net income.

His temp assignment ends in 10 days.

I canceled the appointments I had this week (2 of them - one endocrinologist appt, but I got the blood draw and she'll call me if the results are wonky; the other is with an ob/gyn surgeon because they feel my endometriosis needs surgery and after putting it off for 6 years I think they are right but I need to put it off again).

I have a cardiac appointment next week that I can't miss. I'm finally getting a stress test.

Earlier this year, when I was getting the cytoxin, lupus was simultaneously attacking my joints, skin, brain, heart and lungs. I walk around knowing it could happen again at any time. I try not to think about that, but every time I make a plan or a commitment, it's all I *can* think about.

Lupus has remained in check, though, and that's why treating the other stuff is a current option. They won't do surgery (thyroid OR endometriosis) if I'm in an active flare unless my life is otherwise threatened.

I just needed to let it out a little. It should be alright with Bob's job. The temp agency doesn't want to get nailed for unemployment, so they should place Bob somewhere else quickly. The temp business in Chicago is booming.

I think my thyroid stuff is finally normalizing. I think that being able to make that post the other day, where I acknowledged depression, was the first sign that I was coming out of it.

* * * * *

anyone up for a slice of baby?

* * * * *

For those of you following the Yarn Harlot dramaz, I want a t-shirt that says:

You're atheists!
And probably wiccans!

* * * * *

woohoo - Tension Magazine launches in 5ish weeks!

Few things rile me up more than nutrition, especially what children are allowed (or encouraged) to consume.

The candy and breakfast cereal and soda pop industries are, in my opinion, responsible for something far more evil than Big Tobacco ever set into motion.

This shit didn't exist 60 years ago, and it wasn't until the 70s that generations of kids were allowed to consume something from that list every damned day.

If you are unhappy about your weight, without changing any other single thing, remove ALL corn syrup and artificial sweeteners from your life (including splenda, nutrasweet, etc). I am not claiming this is a cure-all (and many people not satisfied with their weight have already done this). What I am saying is this: talk to me after you try it for 6 months. Tell me about how your mood swings have evened out a little, and so have your energy levels. Tell me about how you've lost your taste for really salty things, too, and how you now eat a piece or two of fruit every day.* Tell me about how your weight has redistributed now that you aren't giving yourself quick-energy you do not need. (*if you are eating fruit ON TOP of candy and soda, that's so much sugar you are headed for diabetes quickly.)

And giving refined sugar to a kid? Why? Aren't there always better options? Or... at least treat it like the poisonous vice that it is, and gleefully and wickedly allow a seldom and moderated use: Halloween, birthday parties, trips to the county fair/amusement park. When really bad food is allowed on a less-than-monthly basis, it becomes something put in its proper place: enjoyable in a decadent way, to be used only in quantities that keep the concentrations and consequences low.

I feel really badly for those of y'all who eat candy and/or consume soda pop every day. What you are doing to your body is as bad as alcoholism, and far far worse than being a heroin junkie. Don't believe me? Well, give up your habit and see.

I really hate what all this thyroid stuff has done to me. Out of all of my health problems, it's the least serious from a life-threatening viewpoint, but

fuck me running

the treatment is screwing me up.

I've been depressed for 4 months. Treating the hypERthyroidism leads to hypOthyroidism, and that leads to me being on the verge of tears All The Time.

How do people with biological depression get on with their lives?

It's driving me nuts. Every effort seems too huge, even though it's not. Everything that doesn't go perfectly makes me want to quit.

I'm tired all the time, but it's not physically tired - it's mental exhaustion.

and I'm not sad about anything, but I feel sad. I'm not upset about anything, but it all seems bleak.

yet somehow this is biologically preferable to the mania of hypERthyroidism? I prefer anxiety to this shit. At least when I have anxiety, I get shit done and don't cry in my soup all day long.

I'm sharing a basic spreadsheet that I've put together. It incorporates body measurements with gauge and ease in order to give you stitch/row counts for your sizes. It can be used for knit or crochet.

It isn't an exact replica of the one I use, but it has all of the dimensions as listed on the Yarn Standards website (sizing for Women).

In the upper-left corner, one can enter the ease & gauge and the rest of the spreadsheet will auto-populate.

These measurements are whole measurements, and do not take into account the shape of the neckline, or the type of sleeve, but they are the industry standard starting point. A few things for anyone who wants to use this spreadsheet:

1. The file itself is in MS-Office Excel format. That is the only format I am providing, but if other people want to convert it and share it with others - feel free.
2. The file has no copyright attached - use/copy/share/alter as desired. I don't even require credit, but it would be nice.
3. I am not offering *any* tech support either for the use of the information, or the use of MS-Excel spreadsheets, or the rationale behind my formulas (it's really straightforward stuff).

FILE: Measurements

I've just been really cranky lately. Stuff that annoys me:

1. People who claim to be sensitive, when what they really mean is fragile.

2. People who start off "compliments" with "I had no idea...".

3. People (especially youths) who interrupt conversations to take a phone call or a text.

4. People who exit through the front door of buses, even though the GREAT BIG HUGE ARROWS say exit to the rear.

5. People who stand/stop their cars in the crosswalk.

* * * * *

It looks like I qualify to get a fancy new medication for free (from the pharma company). It's called Protopic, and a month's worth is about $125. My discoids are being very resistant to treatment, and this stuff is supposed to work when other stuff has failed. It won't do anything about the scarring already present, but it should help clear up new spots when they pop up (and get the active spots under control).

It's also possible that I might get a subsidy for the stuff that makes scars go away, but I can't use that stuff until a spot is no longer active. So I'm waiting to apply for that until I can actually use it, because it's somewhat perishable. (I can't remember the name of it... not mederma, something else)

* * * * *

I see the ob/gyn on Friday. It's been a few years since I've had a pap and all this thyroid stuff has really messed up my cycles. I'm also going to feel her out regarding Clomid. It won't even be an option until at least October, but if I do get everything else under control and can go without a flare for several months - I wanna try. I turn 39 in November, and even if I give myself until 43... that means I've got around 50 chances (months) to get pregnant. So I wanna feel out the ob/gyn on this issue.

* * * * *

I'm SO thankful for the mild summer Chicago is having. It's been downright chilly for summer, and it's *wonderful*.

My total bill, after discounts for not having insurance, for my recent trip to the ER - $13,000

That's all tests, labs, xrays, consults, pharmaceuticals, procedures and I was in the ER for about 10 hours.

Thanks to bouncing between hyper- and hypo-thyroidism several times in the past 2 months... my hair is falling out in fistfuls.

I have a lot of hair, so it's not as bad as it would be for someone with less hair (or straight hair), but it doesn't show signs of letting up either. It started about a week ago. I was REALLY upset about it, but I can't do anything to change it and if I end up patchy or balding, I'll shave it all off and start over. I have a big ole alien head, and I can't let the sun touch my scalp, so I might look into a wig for the short term.

There's a chance it won't all grow back... but... I really don't think that will happen to me. I've been really sick for a long time, and it took majorly fucking with my hormones in a very short time period for it to finally get to my hair. Not even chemo got to my hair (although there's a chance that chemo *plus* the thyroid stuff is what it took to make my hair fall out).

I pushed myself through the emotions of it quickly, though, because I just don't have time for self-pity right now. My first reaction was the strangest - when I saw the huge gob of hair on the hairbrush and imagined a resulting bald patch, I felt oddly ashamed. Fortunately, that reaction seemed ridiculous so I laughed that off and moved on to FUCK, THAT'S MY HAIR rather quickly. Then I went to dammit, I'm 38 years old, I have scars all over my face - my freakin hair is what I have left!. Then I worried that Bob would find me old and haggard if I lost too much hair. Then another huge gob came out in the shower and I realized that what's going to happen is going to happen.

My hair is sorta my in-person trademark - poofy blonde (big messy) curls that fly all over when I move my head. People who haven't seen me in a long time can tell it's me from behind, even if I have a totally different hair cut. I've been likened to Woodstock (Snoopy's bird friend) by several different people. And I am not ok with losing my hair, but I also can't let it wound me.

I'm turning comments off for this post.

3 months ago, I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, so I went on anti-thyroid medications. After being on the anti-thyroid meds for 2 months, my blood tests showed that I had gone over into total hypothyroidism so they took me off of the meds for 2 weeks. That made me go back to being *very* hyperthyroid (even worse than before), so now I am back on the anti-thyroid meds.

That's made me mostly insane with the ups-and-downs of my hormones being fucked with. I gain weight, then lose it, then gain it again. I'm an emotional wreck. It's totally screwing with my menstruation (my cycles are all over, and I'm either bleeding like a stuck pig for a week, or barely bleeding at all for barely 2 days).

If I had insurance, I'd get some of my thyroid removed. It is considered "elective" surgery at this point (for me), because I have other options (the meds), so the Access Network doesn't offer me a reduced fee. The hospital would give me a 50% discount, but that means I'd still need to come up with about $10-15k.

According to the DEA's mandatory sentencing policies, 1-9 grams of LSD will send you to jail for not less than 5 years for a first offense.

Yet a 250 lb cop who beat up a 100 lb female bartender because she stopped serving him gets 150 hours of community service and probation. Chris Brown made Rihanna barely recognizable, and he gets community service and probation, too.

Yet there are peaceful deadheads rotting in jail because they got busted with a few unicorns.

This makes so much sense to me. This is justice in action, right?

Growing up, I had *a lot* of handmade clothing. My mom is an experienced and talented seamstress (and crocheter and macramé-er and needlepointer) and in addition to fabulous Halloween costumes, she made many of my nicer dresses. In other words, my mom made the stuff that would've been too expensive for our family if she purchased the same quality that she could stitch.

My mom's goal wasn't to replace the cheap plastic "costumes" that one can get at Walgreen's - it was to replace the sort of costume one rents from a shop. My mom didn't make tie-on sundresses - why bother when K-Mart sold those for cheaper than she could get good material, why bother when a sundress is for play time? She made birthday dresses, Easter dresses, formal dance dresses... my first Holy Communion dress had over a hundred tiny appliqué flower baskets that my mom hand-applied...

why is this different in the crochet world? Why would people want to spend a lot of time to make unspecial everyday type clothing? Is it just to have that "I made it myself" feeling?

I don't consider "did you make that?" a WIN. A WIN is "where did you buy that?".

Here is my rule of thumb when it comes to garment designs I feel are worthy of being published patterns:

If you saw it in a boutique window, would you (want to) buy it? If someone gave you a $200 gift certificate to a swanky store, and the design-in-question was on a mannequin, does the style & fit & construction make you want to try it on?

If the answer is no, then why the hell would ANYONE take the time to make it for themselves?

* * * * *

Brett Favre continues to make me laugh. I hope he plays for Minnesota and then gets smeared by both the Bears AND the Packers and then gets dumped and loses every last fan he ever had.

* * * * *

Letterman is a jackass for going after someone's kids. That's cheap and his comment was sleazy even if he did mean it to be the older daughter. That said... the same people taking umbrage would've voted in a man who made unprovoked comments about Chelsea Clinton... so PUH LEASE on the outrage. It's not credible.

* * * * *

So far, no chest pains this month. They usually come 2-3 days before my period arrives. My cycle might finally be getting longer again (I was down to 24 days!), so I might still be due... but I think the motrin is keeping the swelling down enough that I am relieved of the pericarditis.

* * * * *

I've gotten the hang of knit/purl. I can do stockinette, garter, ribbing, seed stitch and simple cables. My combo piece is coming along and I think y'all are gonna like it.

It kinda drives me a little bit crazy that people get caught up in using the colors shown in the photos that accompany a pattern.

So I've coded a widget (of sorts) that will help people test out other colors with a stitch pattern. The user can't customize the stitch pattern - only the colors - and I would like to include it as a part of the patterns that get published in Tension Magazine.

It's not formatted in its current state, as I will be including it within patterns and using the formatting associated with that issue of the magazine, but here it is in its raw form:

http://www.iamintheloop.com/tensionmagazine/colorTest.php

If y'all would play with it just a little bit and let me know if it bonks out on you, that would be awesome. Thanks.

Out of my kitchen window, I can see my neighbor's chain link fence. And through the links, I can see the horizontal stripes of the siding on my neighbor's house. Over the top of that is the mesh of my window screen, and the view is broken into sections by my window frame, and the scene is cut off by the slats of my mini-blinds.

And I could stare at it for hours, shifting my focus and drawing pictures from the intersections, watching sparks of light travel along their paths as they illuminate points on the network.

The whole city is like this for me - the geometries of wires and windows and broken concrete, of poles and smokestacks and skyscrapers, of trains and highways and street signs and sidewalks.

BESTEST FLASH MOB EVAR

Bad haircut - CHECK

Hairy armpits - CHECK

but I wanna show off that I actually have muscles, that my legs actually have flesh, that my cheeks are actually kinda on the chubby side even when the rest of me is still slender, that my shoulder bones aren't pointy...



10 more lbs of muscle by the end of the summer. Then, I'll be myself again.

*Excellent* article. An excerpt (emphasis mine):

Great design at places such as Apple isn't about "empowering decision makers" or whatever that lame B-school buzzword is. It's about awarding massive power and self-determination to those with the most cohesive vision--that is, the designers. Those are the people with the best idea of what customers want. That's the essence of "design thinking." If you were to summarize just how ugly--and self-defeating--the alternative can be, AA's Web site would be a smoking gun.

The collapse of print media has been covered as if it were a sign of the End Times, because those from within either cannot see or do not wish to expose some of the real reasons publishers are folding in the Age of Information.

People in print media are used to wielding the power of their reach - whether it is a political endorsement, a product review, the wording of an article, the decision to run with a story, the models chosen for a photo shoot, the novels that might get optioned into films, etc etc etc... all those things meant the people who can get your name in print without you having to pay an advertising fee *always* got the best seats in the house. Which, of course, leads to a circle of glad-handing and reach-arounds and yes-men... it leads to the notion that content is meaningless because *they* create the trends.

Then came the internet, and slowly they saw their audiences dribble away to better writing, to a form of editorial that could be more honest without advertisers to appease, to street level photography done by people local to the issues...

and print media rolled their eyes, took shots at the legitimacy of the new wave, and *eschewed* the internet as beneath their standards. The dribble turned into a steady stream of people who went to Snopes & Gawker & The Chicagoist. And print media conceded they needed a web presence, so they slapped together websites that had the exact same content as their printed media and then they wondered why they were suddenly selling even fewer issues. They shook their fists at the internet and called bloggers unwelcome interlopers, unprofessional dilettantes with no constraints or ethics. They warned us all about the folly of trusting internet sources.

And I think the truth is that print media is full of self-important luddites who became unaccustomed to paying people what their skills are worth. Publishers, after all, have long lists of people who just want to see their name in the byline no matter what the paycheck. Craft publishing is especially like this. But those with the skills to put together a media conglomerate's website aren't likely to take a pay cut just because they are working for a publisher, and publishers weren't used to people who didn't want to impress them.

So the dribble turned into a flood and by then it was too late. If your website isn't functioning/attractive and if you cannot deliver your content digitally, you will not be successful in any information/entertainment medium because those with good websites and digital content will easily and quickly eclipse your product.

My new favorite portrait of Bob, my hottie husband:

No matter what I do to my hair, I have HELMET HEAD. And by HELMET HEAD I don't mean it looks flat as if I've just removed a helmet. No, no - I look like I'm wearing a helmet even though I am not.

* * * * *

Big whopping doses of steroids are back in my life. They are the only treatment that really works with me (that I can afford). And it's not the immediate side effects that make me hate prednisone - it's the long-range effects of long-term use (although the immediate side effects do suck hairy monkey balls).

A little at a time, though, it's all getting better. I'm taking 3200 mg/day of motrin and... I guess the junkie in me had too little respect for NSAIDS. Besides right after a few surgeries, I've never taken them at this dosage before and I gotta say that the all-over relief of swelling is quite nice.

Gaining weight... it's been 8 or 9 years since I've weighed 109 lbs (or more), and not for a lack of trying. 110 lbs was always my low end, and meant I should probably have a night out of appetizers & desserts. I think I look best when I'm 118 and when some of it is well-toned muscle.

* * * * *

I'm making beef stewed in poblano pepper sauce. The recipe just sorta came to me, so I'm making it. I've got some fresh corn, so I thought I'd make a cold salad (w/rice & cilantro & lime, maybe?) to go along with the meat. I'm making cheesecake for dessert because I've been craving it. Just a 6", probably with an almond crust (because I have a sackful).

Woohoo, I've gained another 8lbs - I weighed in at 109lbs. Measurements: 34.5 - 26.5 - 36 (which is +1.5, +1.5, +1). My underbust is still 28", so that brings my bra size up to a 32B+. Wahooooooooooooo! Actual for realz curves. I don't want to gain too much more weight before I can start adding some muscle, but I can't exercise just yet.

I might have to get my thyroid removed. I'll know more when the most recent round of blood tests comes back (Friday).

My hair is chopped off (for me). I didn't really want it this short (it's just above my shoulders)... but it ended up that way. I should've just cut it myself like I always do, but exactly because it had gotten so long was why I couldn't reach it any longer. I cried after my haircut and it was so bad that Bob didn't even think I was being silly. Oh well - my hair grows really quickly, but I lost about 8 inches. I'm *not* posting pics until it grows out a little bit more... it's way too soccer-mom at the moment. The upside is I suppose it will be a lot easier to grow out my own color again.

So what's the deal with your new project, Tension Magazine, you ask?

It's a quarterly crochet-centric lifestyle magazine for urban adults.

Huh?

Oh, you need more than that? Ok, try this on for size:

The founding editors are Crochet's Dream Team: Julie Armstrong Holetz, Laura Killoran & Josi Hannon Madera.

Each full issue will have 10-12 patterns/projects (60-70% crochet, the remainder a smattering of other fiber arts), 5+ recipes, and lots of interviews/articles/techniques that focus on the art & politics & businesses & family lives of the people who work with fiber (from everywhere in the world).

It's an all-digital adventure, and we have no plans (now or ever) to create a printed version. Our online version will allow for pattern generators which not only size patterns for you - they will also allow you to choose between standard and British terminology, English and Metric systems of measurements, and eventually between English & Spanish versions of patterns (probably not articles, though - at least not for the first several issues).

Our photography will: lean towards urban landscapes, as opposed to pastoral ones; won't shy away from (or condemn or sensationalize) same-sex couples (or households with same-sex partners); might occasionally contain nudity.

Our articles: will encourage debate on current topics both within and without the craft-as-art world; will assume our readers are intelligent, thoughtful, critical individuals; will inform about aspects of crochet design that normally go uncovered to make space for the "how to single crochet" pages most publishers seem reluctant to forgo.

Our patterns: will be the best available, online or otherwise, when it comes to clarity, accuracy, fit of completed pieces & styling. I will work with designers personally, to incorporate my full range of garment-engineering knowledge, to make certain all aspects of clothing construction are solid for every pattern we publish. That means: don't be shy about submitting your ideas, because even if you are unsure about parts of it - one of the bonuses of working with Tension Magazine is the support you will receive from the editorial staff.

Our payscale & policies :

(1) All rights revert to the designer six months after initial publication. We may offer some designers the option to continue to sell their patterns through Tension Magazine's website, for which they will receive 50%* of sales of their patterns. *(after PayPal/credit card transaction fees, see contract for details)

(2) We've devised a payscale that rewards designers for their continued contributions to Tension Magazine. After being published in 4 issues, we bump up designers (and writers) to the next rung on the ladder (it will equal about a 15-20% increase in payment), after being published in 8 issues there's another bump up the ladder.

(3) All patterns in Tension Magazine will also be available to purchase individually, on our website, concurrent with the publication of the issue in which they are featured. Designers/pattern writers will receive 50%* of sales of their patterns. *(after PayPal/credit card transaction fees, see contract for details)

ok, now I'm interested! When is this coming out?

Our "mini issue" debuts in September 2009. Each of our issues will have a theme - a single word that evokes a color and a flavor/smell. The theme for our autumn mini issue is Cocoa.

Our first full issue, Winter 2009 issue goes live December with a Cinnamon theme.

We are taking ideas for submissions for these issues, and for Spring 2010 (Lemon) and Summer 2010 (Blueberry).

Any more questions? Sign Up For Contributor Guidelines

If someone vocalized that she had a problem with a US-based crochet magazine publishing the pattern of a non-US based designer - what would you think?

Would your feelings about the complaint/complainer be different if the exception was about a magazine including a gay or lesbian designer? a Muslim designer?

What if it was a UK-based magazine and the complaint was about including US designers

Free window-unit air conditioner to anyone who wants to pick it up. 5000 btu, good condition. I have 2, and my new apartment only needs 1.